I'm so tired now that I don't know what to write... only the fact that I want to write. Again I feel your pull, the endless lull against my skin that never ceases. What have you done to me? Better yet, what have I done to myself? Here I am sitting, 3:33 a.m. listening to old songs. I've never put a face or a thing to a song, but rather a place, a feeling. I am longing for something that until now, I believed to have existed. Maybe it never did, or maybe I will just never feel it again. Was it youth, was it innocence? I don't think it could have ever been both, those two things haven't existed simultaneously since I was very, very little. All I know is that I want it back now, or to somehow create it for myself.

impossible day
i don’t complain
i’m over it i guess
scattered and grey so
i hold it back
and keep it sugarless

I feel like I'm 15 again. Craving your touch, reliving your kiss over and over again in my head. Who would have thought, that five years later I'd still be writing about you. I've been so nostalgic lately. When I wake up it seems as if I've never left. It feels as if all of this has just been a long dream. I can almost taste the air, the salty, dry air. I've been growing my hair out again. Its long, and tangled. That's how I like it, how I've always liked it. What wouldn't I give to go back. To go to that innocent time once again, where the whole world stretched out in front of me. Back when I felt like I could reach out and touch the sun, to let it soak into my skin.

years

I feel like its been years since i've written here. i have no all-saying picture, or philosophical quote to place with this one. life is moving on without me. i'm stuck in a time warp and i can't seem to get out.

two bottles of wine and i can't seem to shake it off. Am i making a mistake, am i doing it right? does anyone ever know? i miss her, i miss you, i can't stand him sometimes...

I want to be mysterious, to be complicated and quiet. I want to intrigue and inspire, to be questioned and misunderstood, yet admired.

cat like theif

I feel like I'm writing my suicide note, thinking here that this may be my last opportunity to tell you how I really feel. We've always connected on paper so I guess this letter is the best way, I probably couldn't face you in person anyways.

Its been over a year since I met you, yet each time I see you, I feel like its the first. If I was you I would think I'm just an emotional, attention-seeking slut, and I'm not here to try and change any opinions you have of me. But I've been trying so hard to forget you, to try and connect to others. No one has made me feel the same way that I felt when I was with you. Before I go on though, I really want to tell you that I'm not trying to come back crying or begging for you affections, I guess the reason I'm writing is that, if nothing else, at least I can set things right with myself.

We don't talk anymore, and honestly it kills a part of me each night. Life is colorless now, my days pass by in short bursts. So many things have happened since I met you and I wish I could go back to being that innocent girl, trying to prove myself to you. But everything inside of me has been broken and its impossible to go back. Hopefully I am good at hiding myself , I make sure everyday that no one can see the real me, I haven't put myself down on paper like this in months. Its like I can't formulate words anymore, I've got cracked ribs, twisted ankles, and a broken heart. But the worst part is, I don't even remember how they got this way.

The truth is, I don't really know what I'm trying to say to you. I think about all the things I wish I could tell you each night and now that the time has come, I can hardly put pen to paper. All the words I can't say, the words that once upon a time I could have said to you. I can't write them, or maybe I just won't write them, but I can feel them. Everyday, all the time I never stop feeling them. I guess its for the best though, because it's what is between the words that I care about anyway.

So in conclusion I guess this is goodbye, or something like it. You can laugh at me or ignore me but it doesn't really matter, at least I've finally been honest with myself after all this time. I'll never cherish anything more than the memory I have of you. Heaven knows I'm miserable now, but in the end I hope you'll always find a reason to smile.

magic potion

And the fact of the matter is, I don't understand how you do this to me. What is it about you that keeps me coming back, in my dreams, in my thoughts, in my actions. Its like we couldn't be more wrong for each other and yet at the same time we couldn't be more perfect. Is life always like this? You have something you want so bad and its right there for you to take but something holds you back. It could be anything, but its there just the same and you can't get around it. I feel like so many things hold us apart, but despite what's going on around us, there you are and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get around you either.

im just so angry, so fucking angry. i can get these words out fast enough, there is so much i want to yell at you, to spit at your face, to just rip out my own hair, but i cant. i will never be able to do those things, although right now, its all i want to do. i want to be spoiled and i want to make you realize that i am feeling lost and unimportant. you don't make me feel like i matter. maybe i'm being too sensitive, maybe i am just being immature, but you know what? i don't give a fuck. you just can't do anything nice for me, but favors fall from you like rain on everyone else. why?? if you think you can walk over me just because we are supposed to be the closest, you're wrong. if you think that you can slap me in the face and expect me accept it, you're wrong. i can lick my own wounds, whether they are caused by you or not. i wish you and every one else would either start caring or get the fuck away from me.
thanks, and best regards,


...Erika

i think i made you up inside my head

i shut my eyes and all the world drops dead
i lift my lids and all is born again
(i think i made you up inside my head.)

the stars go waltzing out in blue and red
and arbitrary blackness gallops in
i shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

i dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
and sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane
(i think i made you up inside my head.)

god topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
exit seraphim and satan's men:
i shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

grey bulbs illuminate hollow streets
they cast shadows carelessly
i stare alone with holes in my shoes
the wind blows clear through our soles

my poor sort of memory at work
wasted faces cross my sunken eyes
stale voices sound out of reach

i lash out, screem, eyes blazing
but not a one isn’t fleeting
quickly turned, they pull away in the wind

you will haunt me forever.

Rain come slowly and wait for me
I breathe your sweet, heavy aroma
Pregnant with a thousand tears
You press yourself upon me
Take me down to where all the tiny things slumber
I fall into dirt, the moss beneath my face
All the nutrients of the soil flowing through my veins
When Sunlight opens upon me
Enveloping me in warm cascades
I will put my wrists to the sky
To feel the new day
With no end and no out

diego

this probably won’t work out
we might not live forever
while there’s nothing to confess
please pay attention

and i know that it’s brief
there’s not nearly enough in one night to have seen
what you had in your hand
was so much more than the gold that i let go to grab

sick muse

its been agreed that i push people away from me.  my standards are too fucking high, i can't keep waiting to find this amazing entity.  sometimes maybe love doesn't hit you like a slap in the face, and that's what i've been looking for.  i guess learning to love someone can be just as real. 

silence and noise

what happens when someone truly finds their place in the universe? will the world end? life is about the quest for ultimate truth and an eternal sense of belonging.  when one finds that, is there reason left to live?  if everything is complete, then there would be nothing left to aspire for, to work for, to live for.  if this is true, then in fact, every human on the face of earth is lost as well.  maybe this is why true love never lasts forever. after achieving true love, what other purpose to life is there?  love is the most beautiful gift known to mankind.  what else is their to give or receive after you have the best anyone has to offer?  

if i only had a brain

im developing my own kind of insanity, something wretched and consuming.  i sometimes feel like my brain doesn't work, or that it is simply impossible to formulate coherent thoughts.  i jitter and feel faint, everything always rushing down at once,  scattered.  i can't understand my own thoughts, other peoples' elude me completely.  its impossible, but i know i need to help myself.  things happen that i don't remember, for the first time ever i can say that i don't even know what i did last night.  its a poor sort of memory that only works backwards.  

And then, amidst this confusion, this derangement, there are moments of pure clarity, brought on by this longing so strong that it has its clutches around my entire being.  

werewolf

macaroni

for the first time in a long time i can taste the clean air in my lungs. i'm happy today, and its a really good feeling, a really new feeling. i don't want to get my hopes up and think that things will stay this way, but right now, they seem to be coming together.

broken promises.

 I'm just a fucked up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind.
Don't assign me yours.

SOUND team

well hopefully by the beginning of next week i will be able to turn over a new leaf. im ready to start having fun, finally get out of my comfort zone, and stop holding back. i'm not sure where i got the idea in my head that i couldn't have fun like everyone else, i dont have to keep everything up on a pedestal like i've been trying to do. life doesn't work that way, i'm finally begininng to understand that many commonly held beliefs are not applicable to me, or at least capable of personal interpretation. i've learned from the best, and seen the worst. i think i know how to handle myself, and to remember to keep everything in perspective.

so in conclusion, this is my formal announcement, that things are going to change around here. its high time for me to grow some balls and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. if i'm going to be my own person then i need to start by actually putting my own feelings before those of my peers. contrary to popular belief, i wasn't born to please.

fuck this shit.

Something you should know
When autumn comes
I'll be so happy
Wait a little while
And I'll ride away
And I'll be a tree
And you'll be so happy
Too sad to be alive today

i am the alphabet

the truth is, i do...i really, really do.

ebb and flow

I love the sunlight
You love the flowers
I miss the sunlight
You are my flower

You're dozing right now
I move into the slow
I can't feel no trace
You're melting away
You're dozing right now
I move into the slow
I can't feel no trace
You're melting away

I love the sunlight
You love the flowers
I miss the sunlight
You are my flower

You're dozing right now
I move into the slow
I can't feel no trace
You're melting away
You're dozing right now
I move into the slow
I can't feel no trace
You're melting away

fatal feelings

"what the hell are you doing man?"

"just being polite"

you know, if you don't want me to care, i don't have to,

and that goes for everyone.

am is my pm

Why do i feel like i've been shot in the guts? im not sure what's wrong or even what happened. i dont understand. i want to write this big long thing, to rant on and on about how im unhappy. but i cant. i cant formulate words anymore, i think im dead. i've got cracked ribs, twisted ankles, and a broken heart. the worst part is, i don't even remember how they got that way. can i remember a time in my life where i wasnt already used?

on a lighter note

i smoked the best blunt of my life last night.  im sad to see the kush go, but there could not have been a better way.  we didn't move for hours and it was nice to have all the extra space in my head, that doesn't happen much.

and again.

I just want someone who will always want me, who only needs me to be happy. I don't know love, but I know the lack of it, and there is still no place for someone like me to fill.

 

ole' yeller

please, oh please please please,
let this be it.

so i've taken to chewing bottles

Sleep don't visit, so I choke on sun
And the days blur into one
And the backs of my eyes hum with things I've never done

Sheets are swaying from an old clothesline
Like a row of captured ghosts over old dead grass
Was never much but we made the most
Welcome home



Ships are launching from my chest
Some have names but most do not
If you find one, please let me know what piece I've lost

Peel the scars from off my back
I don't need them anymore
You can throw them out or keep them in your mason jars
I've come home

All my nightmares escaped my head
Bar the door, please don't let them in
You were never supposed to leave
Now my head's splitting at the seams
And I don't know if I can

it was good to sea you.

im scared, but i know its the right thing to do.  i feel lucky to have been humored this much, to have been tolerated with such grace, i'm surprised actually.  i can see it in the faces,  this look of distaste and painful resignation.  i feel like a caged bird, or better yet, like my wings have been clipped.  even without a cage i am trapped. 

forever temporary

i can't talk to you because i've never heard you speak
i can't love you because i don't know your name
and i can't miss you because we've never met

cold calm colors

things bounced a little back towards normal today. it comes as a bit of release, yet also contributes to my personal fear for loss. I got a few unexpected perks throughout the day so i guess it should even out.

frida

i can laugh at myself a now. its a rather cynical and wry sound, but still, its laughter. i must be getting my feelings confused, because right now, i'm a little embarrassed to admit what i'm thinking. age has never really seemed like a boundary to me, there are some things that rules don't apply to. but this, this is absurd, its ridiculous, impossible. i'm not sure what's got my head so miffed about this, or even why i started to think it in the first place.

little death.

i can't write it.
i won't write it.
but, i can feel it.
i will feel it.
everyday, all the time.
i never stop feeling it.

pilgrim.

i've come to the realization that the only instances where i have been truly happy, all shared these following qualities:

1. i was alone
2. i had no ties, no boundaries, no quotas
3. i was somewhere far away
4. i had free rein to explore and enjoy the solitude 

heaven.

wouldn't it surprise you that perhaps the one thing you said to me today, may have very well altered my perception of life? I now know that in being alone, i am not alone. i never noticed you before, i never thought that you could possibly share some of the same yearnings as myself. in truth, those spoken words offer no real truth to the assumptions i am making, but in them i see a small trail of hope. i understand that you and me could never, and will never be. it would in fact be a great betrayal, a death blow to the one we both hold so near. but, in another time or another place, could you see it? could you see us being alone, together?

how we breathe

gone beyond

Too scared to look at what I hear outside
i shut my eyes and the world drops dead
arbitrary blackness waltzes in
too far gone to do any more than breathe
release me

ice is rain

i spoke to you today.  you may not know it, or may not care to know it, but i did.  wouldn't you be surprised to find that this was meant for you?  that everything of mine was always meant for you. 


heaven knows im miserable now, but in the end, i hope you'll always find a reason to smile.

its clouded, what we know

i was right in thinking that purchased popularity doesn't last. i was right. I hate this realization, i hate writing these words. with them not only comes the regret of being used, but also the knowledge that i was never really good for anything else in the first place. i'm seen as a tool, a hand hold for further advancement. they did this because it was easy, instant gratification, with no drawbacks, or further commitments. what they don't seem to realize is that my eyes are wet.  i hide away the tears and the torn evidence, my mouth is bleeding.  i let them have their way because its easier than being alone.

until we bleed

Let's you and I stay awake all night
we can pretend we feel safe in bed
we can drink till we're happy again
a lifeless smile, with no in and no out

I think I can
can taste blood in
in the back of my throat

on day three without sleep
we can pretend we don't envy the dead
we can hold our wrists to the sky
to greet a new day, with no in and no out

morning tide.

Turn around and walk back home

Good news for people who love bad news. 
We've lost the plot and we just can't choose. 
We are hummingbirds who are just not willing to move. 
And there's good news for people who love bad news. 
We are hummingbirds who've lost the plot and we will not move. 
We have good news for anyone who loves bad news. 

take the money and run.

everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.

infedelity

I found the fragrance separate from the flower
In all the logic I was lost
I found the fair light blossom to be sour
And beneath the soil the real cost
You came to me carelessly
I am iris and the lense
The bridge adjusting to the water water water water
The level inside will rise
A fallen monument lies



A prism is only walls
My arms will not be bars
The well now is your support
In autosuggested pathways you are caught
You came to me carelessly
I am iris and the lense
The bridge adjusting to the water water water water
The level inside will rise
A fallen monument lies

i need another altered reality

i fucking hate it.  i can't control my life,  nothing has changed.  i'm still in that little box, with no windows and no doors.  for awhile i thought i escaped, but i was wrong, 

so very wrong.

my life in a nutshell: