if i only had a brain

im developing my own kind of insanity, something wretched and consuming.  i sometimes feel like my brain doesn't work, or that it is simply impossible to formulate coherent thoughts.  i jitter and feel faint, everything always rushing down at once,  scattered.  i can't understand my own thoughts, other peoples' elude me completely.  its impossible, but i know i need to help myself.  things happen that i don't remember, for the first time ever i can say that i don't even know what i did last night.  its a poor sort of memory that only works backwards.  

And then, amidst this confusion, this derangement, there are moments of pure clarity, brought on by this longing so strong that it has its clutches around my entire being.