sick muse

its been agreed that i push people away from me.  my standards are too fucking high, i can't keep waiting to find this amazing entity.  sometimes maybe love doesn't hit you like a slap in the face, and that's what i've been looking for.  i guess learning to love someone can be just as real. 

silence and noise

what happens when someone truly finds their place in the universe? will the world end? life is about the quest for ultimate truth and an eternal sense of belonging.  when one finds that, is there reason left to live?  if everything is complete, then there would be nothing left to aspire for, to work for, to live for.  if this is true, then in fact, every human on the face of earth is lost as well.  maybe this is why true love never lasts forever. after achieving true love, what other purpose to life is there?  love is the most beautiful gift known to mankind.  what else is their to give or receive after you have the best anyone has to offer?  

if i only had a brain

im developing my own kind of insanity, something wretched and consuming.  i sometimes feel like my brain doesn't work, or that it is simply impossible to formulate coherent thoughts.  i jitter and feel faint, everything always rushing down at once,  scattered.  i can't understand my own thoughts, other peoples' elude me completely.  its impossible, but i know i need to help myself.  things happen that i don't remember, for the first time ever i can say that i don't even know what i did last night.  its a poor sort of memory that only works backwards.  

And then, amidst this confusion, this derangement, there are moments of pure clarity, brought on by this longing so strong that it has its clutches around my entire being.