it was good to sea you.

im scared, but i know its the right thing to do.  i feel lucky to have been humored this much, to have been tolerated with such grace, i'm surprised actually.  i can see it in the faces,  this look of distaste and painful resignation.  i feel like a caged bird, or better yet, like my wings have been clipped.  even without a cage i am trapped. 

forever temporary

i can't talk to you because i've never heard you speak
i can't love you because i don't know your name
and i can't miss you because we've never met

cold calm colors

things bounced a little back towards normal today. it comes as a bit of release, yet also contributes to my personal fear for loss. I got a few unexpected perks throughout the day so i guess it should even out.

frida

i can laugh at myself a now. its a rather cynical and wry sound, but still, its laughter. i must be getting my feelings confused, because right now, i'm a little embarrassed to admit what i'm thinking. age has never really seemed like a boundary to me, there are some things that rules don't apply to. but this, this is absurd, its ridiculous, impossible. i'm not sure what's got my head so miffed about this, or even why i started to think it in the first place.

little death.

i can't write it.
i won't write it.
but, i can feel it.
i will feel it.
everyday, all the time.
i never stop feeling it.

pilgrim.

i've come to the realization that the only instances where i have been truly happy, all shared these following qualities:

1. i was alone
2. i had no ties, no boundaries, no quotas
3. i was somewhere far away
4. i had free rein to explore and enjoy the solitude 

heaven.

wouldn't it surprise you that perhaps the one thing you said to me today, may have very well altered my perception of life? I now know that in being alone, i am not alone. i never noticed you before, i never thought that you could possibly share some of the same yearnings as myself. in truth, those spoken words offer no real truth to the assumptions i am making, but in them i see a small trail of hope. i understand that you and me could never, and will never be. it would in fact be a great betrayal, a death blow to the one we both hold so near. but, in another time or another place, could you see it? could you see us being alone, together?

how we breathe

gone beyond

Too scared to look at what I hear outside
i shut my eyes and the world drops dead
arbitrary blackness waltzes in
too far gone to do any more than breathe
release me

ice is rain

i spoke to you today.  you may not know it, or may not care to know it, but i did.  wouldn't you be surprised to find that this was meant for you?  that everything of mine was always meant for you. 


heaven knows im miserable now, but in the end, i hope you'll always find a reason to smile.

its clouded, what we know

i was right in thinking that purchased popularity doesn't last. i was right. I hate this realization, i hate writing these words. with them not only comes the regret of being used, but also the knowledge that i was never really good for anything else in the first place. i'm seen as a tool, a hand hold for further advancement. they did this because it was easy, instant gratification, with no drawbacks, or further commitments. what they don't seem to realize is that my eyes are wet.  i hide away the tears and the torn evidence, my mouth is bleeding.  i let them have their way because its easier than being alone.

until we bleed

Let's you and I stay awake all night
we can pretend we feel safe in bed
we can drink till we're happy again
a lifeless smile, with no in and no out

I think I can
can taste blood in
in the back of my throat

on day three without sleep
we can pretend we don't envy the dead
we can hold our wrists to the sky
to greet a new day, with no in and no out

morning tide.